


you left him alone and now he's speechless

by AppleJuiceisboss



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Anxiety, Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of a sibling, M/M, Sad, Separation Anxiety, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 12:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4479788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleJuiceisboss/pseuds/AppleJuiceisboss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude Adams Foster is all hard angles, brick walls that are almost impossible to tear down. Connor knows this. He's always known.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you left him alone and now he's speechless

Jude Adams Foster is all hard angles, brick walls that are almost impossible to tear down. Connor knows this. He's always known. From impossibly sharp knees and elbows, (seriously, you're doomed if that kid elbowed you on accident.) to razor sharp wit, cutting through the air with a note of wry sarcasm that always struck others speechless. 

That's what Jude is now, speechless. Unable to process words, speak out. Say them. Connor hasn't seem him this way since seventh grade. The difference this time? There was no question as to why. Connor back then had been convinced Jude had stopped talking because of him. He thought he'd done something wrong. Not this time. 

The offender? The ocean. With it's countless waves, going high over the head of Jude's best friend, the person he'd spent all of his childhood with.Callie. His sister, his protector up until age 12, when they both had found their forever family, regardless of Callie's numerous failed adoptions. Or maybe it was the rock that she'd had the unfortunate fate to meet, landing on it with the back of her head. 

It had been two weeks. Two long, drawn out weeks since Lena had gotten the call from Stef, telling her to rush to the hospital because 'Callie's not okay, Lena, our baby isn't okay.' 

two weeks ago   
Connor sat with Jude on the couch. It was a typical Saturday.The pair had been watching a movie, Jude's legs thrown over Connor's lap. Lena could be heard, clattering around in the kitchen, making lunch. Callie and Mariana were supposed to be back home in a half hour from spending the afternoon at the beach. An eruption of sound in the tune of Madonna's "Live for Love" sounded from the kitchen, a signal of Stef calling. Connor turned his head back to the screen. Stef calling Lena during her break, probably. A minute, a bunch of hushed whispers, and some loud rustling produced a frazzled Lena from the kitchen, eyes wide. 

"Callie's hurt." She said in a rushed tone. The words were barely out of her mouth and Jude jumped up beside him, walking over to his shoes to hurriedly put them on. Connor followed suit, albeit calmly. It wasn't that he wsn't worried. He could already see anxiety settling in Jude, though. It wouldn't help anyone if everyone was in a panic. There was no question to whether or not he'd be going to the hospital with them. He only climbed into the backseat beside Jude. 

The car ride was tense, silent. Connor kept stealing little glances at his boyfriend. Jude kept his eyes firmly glued to the window. It seemed that he was watching as their surroundings whizzed by. Connor knew better, Jude was already in his own head, thinking of every worst possibility. Connor moved to take Jude's slender hand into his, intertwining their fingers slowly, giving Jude time to pull his hand away if he felt the need to. Jude's fingers wrapped around his, but his hold was different. Tense, unmoving. Connor stroked the side of his hand with his thumb, hoping to soothe. Jude's grip relaxed, just a little. 

The next few hours dragged, with the whole family crowded into the waiting room. Mariana had immediately clung to Stef and Lena, sobbing. She'd explained that she and Callie had been swimming, and there were some really high waves, and Callie had gotten whisked away, smacking the back of her head on a huge rock. There was so much blood, she kept saying. Jude hadn't said a word, squeezing Connor's hand every few minutes. 

A doctor called Stef and Lena over, and everything seemed to freeze in time, Jude included. He watched them intently, silently. The telltale look on the doctor's face, and the two adult women when they turned around told a whole story in just a glance. Connor kept his eyes on Jude's, watching his face contort into a bunch of expressions before walking over to his mothers. His walk was stiff, back straight, like he knew he was walking into battle. 

present day 

They called it selective mutism in therapy. Connor didn’t care what they called it, he cared about the fact that Jude hadn’t said a word for two weeks, and it wasn’t looking like he was going to anytime soon. Jude had barely smiled in that time, barely eaten. Really hadn’t done much at all. It tugged at Connor’s heartstrings and he wanted nothing more but for Jude to feel okay again, but things like this made that seem impossible, Connor understood. He came over almost everyday, spent the night more often that not. 

He’d lay down next to Jude in the other’s twin sized bed and grab his hand, holding it in his. Jude would stare at him blankly, only to move closer, lay against him. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be allowed unless the door was open, but the rules were bent right then. It wasn’t like Connor and Jude exactly had anything scandalous on their minds. 

Sometimes Jude would cry. It always happened at random hours of the night. Connor would wake up to the sound of hoarse, heartbroken sobs that made him feel like his own were splitting in two. This was the only time he ever got to hear a sound from Jude anymore. He’d pull him closer, letting Jude settle into the dark space of his chest, kissing his head in silent comfort. He never knew what to say. 

six years later 

Days, weeks, months, years even passed without Jude saying a single word to anyone. His therapist informed Stef and Lena he may never even talk again, due to the trauma of losing his sister. Though he slowly learned how to smile again, eat regular portions of meal. They were twenty one now, six years after the passing of Callie. The two shared an apartment in downtown LA, only around twenty minutes from the residence Jude called home until he was 20.

Connor never pushed him to talk to him, not even once. They’d learned to communicate only with expressions at times, and if Jude had something to say, he’d text him. This particular night, the two young men were perched on their bed, both doing individual schoolwork for different college courses. Jude’s hand fell onto his, and Connor looked over at him, giving a little questioning noise in response. Jude closed his own laptop and then Connor’s, pulling him up. Connor let Jude pull him right to the front door and to their car, getting in the passenger seat. 

Jude didn’t even bother to turn on the radio as he normally did, pulling out of the parking space and driving away They didn’t stop until they pulled into a cemetery. Connor looked over at Jude in surprise, earning gesture of ‘get out of the car’. He did. The taller male followed his boyfriend to a dark grey headstone, littered with plants and little trinkets that the family had left there for Callie. Connor watched Jude sit down, and when invited with a look, he took a seat next to him. And then it happened. 

“I miss you.” a a clearly unused, slightly hoarse voice said quietly, and Connor looked to Jude in shock. He hadn’t heard his voice in so long. It was even deeper now, Jude sounded like who he was. A man. Jude continued to talk, though. Like he hadn’t noticed. 

“I remember the first time this happened, I stopped talking. You snapped me out of it. Told me it was a little selfish, I wasn’t the only one hurting, that our family needed me. You aren’t here to snap me out of it anymore. I haven’t talked since the day you died. I haven’t felt the need to. You were my best friend. You protected me when we were little. I miss you, Callie. Moms took two years to touch your side of the room, you know. Brandon moved out to live with Mike so that Mariana could have his room.” Jude’s head was bowed as he spoke, and Connor offered his hand, letting Jude take it and thread his fingers through it. 

“Connor and I have promise rings, you know. It’s kinda dumb but we’re waiting until we both finish school. I wish that you could have been here for that. I wanted to tell you first. I wanted to run into your room, shove my hand in your face excitedly. And then I realized I couldn’t do that. I can’t do any of it. I keep wondering when this will stop hurting, you know. It hasn’t. I guess its gotten easier. Maybe I’ve been searching for words for way too long, holding them in. I just.. I wanted to come see you. Tell you I think I’ll be okay, I’ll go on.” 

Jude ended what he said on a silent note, leaning on Connor quietly. Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and held him tight, squeezing his waist gently. 

“Thank you.” was the next thing he heard, and he looked at Jude with a soft smile, kissing his cheek. 

“No need to thank me. I love you, Jude.” This earned a smile back, and kiss to the cheek. 

“Yeah, I love you too. Can we go to my parents house?” Connor nodded, moving to stand. Jude stayed sitting for a second, placing the broken pocket knife that wouldn’t open on his sister’s grave. 

“I love you.”


End file.
